


Heartache to Heartache

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 06:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1501109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their conversation doesn’t finish with the hug in the loft.</p>
<p>set within 5x16 (“Tested”), no spoilers beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartache to Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> obligatory use of “Love is a Battlefield” lyrics for the title

Kurt hugs Blaine and holds him close as Blaine clutches at him in the loft’s kitchen, because Blaine seems to need it so badly. After that kind of tough conversation, Kurt is happy for the reconnection and comfort too, of course, but Blaine’s the one who is falling apart. Blaine’s the one who has tears in his eyes. Blaine’s the one who seems rocked to his core by everything happening to him and to them.

Kurt... Kurt just has questions and no real answers.

“I love you,” he tells Blaine again with a frown, because he _does_ \- loving Blaine is like having a heart that beats: it’s just part of being alive to him - but also because Blaine so clearly needs to hear it. Kurt tells him every day, lots of times a day in word and deed, and he’d never be wearing Blaine’s ring on his finger if he didn’t feel that way, but it obviously isn’t enough somehow, not if Blaine can imagine a future where somehow Kurt _wouldn’t_.

It’s incomprehensible to Kurt, really, because even after Blaine shattered his heart Kurt still loved him. He couldn’t stop loving him. He will _always_ love him. Anything else is impossible. He doesn’t know how Blaine doesn’t know that, but obviously he doesn’t.

He doesn’t know, on some basic level, how Blaine doesn’t know _him_ if he doesn’t already understand that.

“I love you, too,” is Blaine’s watery reply. His fingers dig deeper into Kurt’s shirt, and Kurt rubs his back and holds on.

“I know,” Kurt says, because that, at least, isn’t one of the questions swirling in his mind. He knows Blaine loves him. He knows _Blaine_... or at least he thought he did. No, he thinks firmly, he _does_ , but maybe he doesn’t know everything. Maybe there’s still a lot to learn.

It’s an unsettling thought.

Kurt has known Blaine for years now. They’ve been close from the very start. They learned about how to love together. They lived together. They’re building their lives together. So much has come up by now, both good and bad. He thought he understood Blaine inside and out, and in a way he does think that. It’s _Blaine_. He’s as familiar as his family and just as important.

Kurt looks at the kitchen beyond Blaine, his mouth pressing in a flat line against the soft weave of Blaine’s sweater, and wonders why even though he knew so much his plans were still so wrong.

This was supposed to be _their_ kitchen. This was supposed to be _their_ time.

He’d been so excited to have Blaine here, in the city and in the apartment with him. He’d expected that when Blaine got to New York he’d stand up just as tall as Kurt does, as excited and ready to tackle the world as Kurt is each day. He’d thought they’d stride through the city together, each of them conquering it on his own but doing it hand-in-hand. He’d thought they’d be an unstoppable team, a power couple, the strongest relationship in the world, each other’s biggest supports in achieving their dreams.

And they sort of are... except for the part where Blaine’s stumbling instead of striding, being conquered instead of conquering.

Kurt shuts his eyes for a moment as Blaine sniffles against his shoulder and takes a few steadying breaths. Blaine’s body against his feels so right, but so much else feels wrong.

Kurt had never expected Blaine to stumble. It had never even occurred to him as a possibility. Blaine’s always risen to the top from his incredible talent and innate charm, he was born to perform the same way Kurt was and has never shied from working to get things right, and yet somehow here he’s sinking, if not in his classes then in his mind.

Kurt still wants to hold Blaine’s hand as he climbs his way to the top of his own ladder. He’s never going to let go. But he doesn’t understand why if Blaine is finding New York so difficult it’s making him doubt _Kurt_. It’s making Blaine doubt himself, which is hard enough to watch, but it’s also making him doubt Kurt and what Kurt needs from him, and that doesn’t make any sense at all.

He doesn’t know why he should be pushed away for something that has almost nothing to do with him. He doesn’t know why Blaine having a hard time in New York should make things hard for _them_ as a couple. It shouldn’t touch them at all.

But it is.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” Blaine says miserably into his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“We aren’t fighting,” Kurt says with another frown and a little shake of his head. He’d been angry and hurt, sure, and they’d both lashed out, but it wasn’t like they were fundamentally disagreeing about something. Well, besides Blaine turning to porn instead of him, maybe. The real point of Blaine feeling inferior to him and insecure... that wasn’t a fight. Kurt has nothing to fight about. It’s an issue for Blaine, not him; Kurt knows he can hold his own against Blaine, but he also doesn’t need to prove it most of the time. They aren’t in a competition, at least not always; they’re in a _relationship_. That’s the point. “We’re figuring things out.”

He hopes they are. When Blaine graduated, Kurt had thought being together in New York would finally be like a peaceful stroll in a garden for the two of them, and instead it’s like a game of whack-a-mole, where every time he thinks they’ve taken care of one issue another one pops up. And so many of them seem to be coming from Blaine’s hurting (and often disguised) heart.

He knows Blaine has always held in his hurt, but Kurt would like to hope that at some point Blaine will want to stop doing it with _him_.

Blaine nods and takes a slow breath. After a minute, he says, “I didn’t think figuring things out would be so hard. Or involve so many bruises.”

With the smallest hint of a laugh, Kurt pulls back enough to see him and admits, “Neither did I. But neither of us is known for pulling punches, not in the heat of the moment. Literally or figuratively.”

Blaine’s face twists a little with emotion, going dark and pained, but he nods again. “I don’t want to hurt you, Kurt.”

“And I don’t want to hurt you, either,” Kurt says, running his hands down Blaine’s arms. “But... maybe sometimes we’re going to.” It’s happening more than he’d ever expected, but he knows they’re strong enough to handle it. Well... at least he is. Now, with Blaine falling apart in front of him, Kurt’s not so sure.

He’s been watching Blaine crumble for months. When he’s caught hints of what Blaine’s trying to hide, he’s done his best to give him what he needs - from date nights to support to space to be his own person - but it’s not enough. It’s clearly not enough to get Blaine walking beside him on this fabulous New York sidewalk of life he’d thought they’d own.

_Kurt’s_ owning it. He’s getting respect. He’s finding his way. He’s making a place for himself and striding along with his head held high, but Blaine isn’t. And as much as Kurt is trying to take care of him by listening, by making special time together, and by showing him he’s important, it just isn’t enough to keep Blaine from feeling left behind.

Kurt knows growing into adulthood isn’t always easy. He’d found New York overwhelming at first, too... but it isn’t at first for Blaine anymore, and he seems to be finding it harder instead of easier the months go on. He isn’t finding his groove the way Kurt did, step by step making his own path.

It doesn’t make any sense at all to Kurt. It fundamentally doesn’t, like two colors that clash or two songs that don’t blend. This is what they’ve been dreaming of. They’re here. They’ve made it. It makes his heart _sing_ with the freedom, with the promise of so much more. He doesn’t know why Blaine isn’t feeling as good as he is at the way they can finally reach out and grab everything they want.

But he isn’t. And Kurt doesn’t really know what else he can do to help him get there. He doesn’t know how to make Blaine see what he knows as truth if Blaine doesn’t see everything around them the same way.

And that’s something that he never expected, either, that he wouldn’t be enough.

It makes his own heart hurt, his own blood thin, as he turns over that thought.

And as Kurt stands there and looks at Blaine, at his sad mouth and worried eyes, he can’t help but realize with a heavy weight in his stomach that a lot of that is just _Blaine_ and his insecurities making him see the world the wrong way. Kurt can’t fix that for him; all he can do is point it out and poke holes in it where he can.

Blaine thinks Kurt’s ahead of him? Maybe he is, but he certainly isn’t _better_ than Blaine is. They’re equals. They can stand toe-to-toe when they have to - and Kurt has always liked that they can fight for a part or bare their hearts in anger and be able to survive - but at the end of the day they’re partners. That’s what Kurt _wants_. To be himself with Blaine by his side, the two of them against the world. The two of them _having_ the world.

That’s what he’s _always_ wanted. Always, from the very start.

“I’m still the same person I was when you met me, you know,” Kurt reminds Blaine softly, looking straight into his eyes. “There’s no Karofsky in the hallways anymore, and I need to shout less to be heard, but I’m still me.”

“I know,” Blaine replies, looking right back. “And you know I think you’re incredible. You are. But you don’t need me the way you used to. It’s hard sometimes, I guess.”

Kurt sighs out in silent frustration, because that’s not what he meant. “Blaine, listen. I might have found my place here in a way you haven’t yet, but I’m still the same person you met. I’m not any stronger than I already was. I’m not any better.” He tips his head to the side, smiling a little. “I’m about six inches taller, but otherwise I’m the exact same person.”

“But - “ Blaine begins, waving his hand at Kurt as though to illustrate how much he’s changed.

And Kurt has on the outside, but on the inside he hasn’t. He stood up to Karofsky and fought for solos even back then. He’d worn what he wanted. He’d reached for his dreams. He was all the things then that he is now. He just had to fight more to _be_ them.

“I _am_ ,” Kurt says.

He hasn’t _changed_ ; he’s just grown into his skin. Blaine hadn’t protected him; he’d just given him a place beyond his own room where he was comfortable being himself. He’d made Kurt feel like all of the things he wanted really were in reach and were valuable to more people than just him. Blaine had valued _him_ in those dark days when no one else had.

That had meant so desperately much to Kurt, but it hadn’t been protecting him at all. It had been walking by his side in the exact same direction, a partner in life, just like Kurt wants him to be now.

He knows he can’t tell Blaine that without hurting him, though, not if Blaine’s already feeling threatened in some way by not having the place in his life he thought he used to, so he continues on with his thought.

“And you’re still _you_ ,” he says to Blaine. “I’m still in love with you for the same reasons I fell in love with you. Plus a lot more.”

“But everything’s different,” Blaine says miserably.

“ _We_ aren’t,” Kurt says as firmly as he possibly can. “You’re still the kindest, most talented, and most handsome man I’ve ever met. And you believe in me. You always have. I love that you do.” He can’t lie and say that he _needs_ Blaine’s belief, because he knows he’d succeed on his own, but it does make his life so much better to have Blaine there with him. If only Blaine could _be_ there instead of being so worried.

“Of course I believe in you,” Blaine tells him with that soft sureness that always goes right to Kurt’s heart and makes it melt and grow all at once.

“Well, I believe in _you_ , Blaine,” Kurt says and watches Blaine’s eyes go sad and wet again. “I wish you saw in yourself what I see in you. You swept me off my feet the first moment I met you, and you still do. I agreed to marry you for a reason, not because I didn’t have another option but because I chose _you_.”

Blaine ducks his head, swallowing hastily. “Kurt,” he says, looking up through his lashes at him with the wide-eyed admiration that Kurt loves but also feels unsettled by now that he knows what’s eating Blaine up inside.

“I’m never going to pretend to be any less than I am,” Kurt tells him gently but firmly, because there’s no question about it in his mind. “Not for you or anyone. I’m proud of what I can do, what I look like. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I _do_.” He watches Blaine’s eyes and wills him to understand.

“I don’t want you to be less,” Blaine insists, even though his face crumples again. “I just...” He takes a deep breath. “I just want to be _more_ , I guess.”

It makes Kurt’s heart break a bit more to see him feeling that way; the boy who had stolen his heart singing at Dalton and who had owned the stage at McKinley seems so very far away now. But he knows this is part of that boy, too. As helpless as he can feel in the face of Blaine’s insecurity, he loves him all the same. “You don’t have to be more,” Kurt tells him. “Not for _me_.”

Blaine gives him a jerky, unconvincing nod.

Kurt can see his words are not enough. He knows Blaine isn’t trying to doubt what he’s saying, but clearly he is. It hurts not to be believed.

But he can’t focus on that. If things can’t be perfect now, Kurt thinks with a determined sigh, then they’ll just have to work on them until they are. “But you do need to talk to me, because we can’t work on fixing things together if you don’t. We can’t come up with a plan.” 

Looking over Kurt’s shoulder at the apartment around them before settling back on his face, Blaine’s eyes go almost panicked. “I don’t know how to make a plan for how I feel, Kurt.”

“Well, then,” Kurt says, putting his hands on his hips. “We’ll make a bunch of plans. Smaller ones for smaller issues. And if we get rid of them, you’ll feel better.” He always feels better with a plan, after all. It’s how he’s gotten to where he is: plans, hard work, the occasional vision board, and a natural affinity for holding the spotlight.

Blaine nods slowly and takes a steadying breath. He doesn’t look entirely convinced, but Kurt knows he’ll agree. And then Kurt can help him feel less alone in solving his self-image issues. He doesn’t need to fix or save Blaine - apparently that’s not a personality trait they share, and it rankles that any part of Blaine could even _want_ him to be less strong and independent than he is - but he can help him fix himself.

He doesn’t know how deeply that help will really trickle down, but it’s all he can do. At this point he’s not sure he can make Blaine see what he sees. Not with words. Not with date nights. Not with a coordinated joint exercise and meal plan they focus on together. Not even with a beautifully designed vision board. But maybe if he can give Blaine the encouragement to feel good about himself he’ll get there on his own.

“Thank you,” Blaine says, reaching out for his hand, and Kurt threads his fingers with Blaine’s with a quiet feeling of relief, because he’s learned that when Blaine isn’t reaching for him it’s a sign of trouble.

“You’re welcome. We’re supposed to be doing this together, right?” Kurt reminds him.

“I know,” Blaine says with another watery-eyed nod.

Kurt tries to smile in encouragement. Blaine’s not acting like the shining-eyed, sure-footed front-man Kurt fell in love with in high school, but he’s still Blaine. He’s still the love of his life, his fiance, his friend. He might not understand why things are so hard for him, but he still loves him so much it still makes his heart ache to see him anything but happy.

“Then we’ll do it together,” Kurt says. He puts his hands on Blaine’s shoulders and leans in, and Blaine meets his kiss easily, gratefully, with lips that are dry but firm and sure on his.

“I love you,” Blaine tells him when they move apart again, some of the tension gone from his face and a steadier, more grounded warmth in his voice. It sounds like a thank you. It sounds like an end to the conversation, at least for now.

It’s a relief to hear it, not because Kurt doesn’t want to hear about his problems but because he’s always happier when Blaine is happy. He likes their time together. He doesn’t like being in conflict. He just wants to enjoy this life they’re creating.

“I love you, too,” he says, smiling and getting another kiss in return. It settles some of his untethered concerns and makes the ground more solid under his feet.

This he understands. This he still has. This is them, too. Not just the hard parts. He still has _Blaine_.

It makes his shoulders drop a little more, because he always, always wants to have Blaine. All of him, even the parts Blaine might not like about himself.

He smooths his hands down Blaine’s arms, relishing the familiar shape of him, and knows one way he can prove to Blaine, at least somewhat, how he feels.

“Look, I don’t want to push you, but Rachel’s not going to be home for hours.” Kurt glances back over his shoulder toward his bed and lets his eyes go a little flirty. “If you wanted me to show you just how appealing I find you.”

Blaine’s eyes drop from Kurt’s face down to his chest, and Kurt’s pretty sure it isn’t because he’s distracted by imagining him with his shirt off, at least not in a good way. Kurt’s not sure if he’s going to need to reassure him _again_ that he would never judge Blaine - because he _loves_ him, and it feels unfair on some level that this isn’t clear when Blaine has known him for years - when Blaine gives a self-conscious shrug and says, “It’s hard to say no to that.”

“You can,” Kurt tells him with a touch of concern, because it’s not like anything but a wholehearted yes from Blaine is going to be what either of them want. Kurt wants Blaine there with him, loving him, connected to him, not just _there_.

“I know,” Blaine says. He smiles then, tentative but so _himself_ , full of that wonderful, vivid spark Kurt loves so much and he realizes he doesn’t see often enough anymore. “But I don’t want to say no.”

Kurt smiles back, unable to stop himself, and squeezes Blaine’s hand. He’s missed being with him this week, not just for the pleasure of sex but for the way it makes him feel like they’re _them_.

A lot of things between them are hard. Not the little stuff, like whose apartment they should stay in on Saturday night or whether they want to have lunch together at NYADA. That stuff has become easier with them living apart. But a lot of the bigger things are harder. Obviously.

But sex? Sex with Blaine is easy. Kurt knows so well how to make Blaine gasp, smile, or melt with pleasure. He knows how to make him feel good with his touch, not just physically good but _loved_. Appreciated. Adored. _Wanted_ , even when the ground beneath their feet has shaken again.

They’re good at that. They both are.

They know how to fit themselves together and touch and kiss and grab and thrust until there’s nothing but need and sweat and pleasure and _them_.

It’s just them. Their hearts and bodies working together with so much love, caring for each other in the most basic way they know how until they’re both satisfied and spent, lost in each other and yet found in each other’s arms.

Words might fail them, but sex does not, not if they’re having it.

So Kurt reaches out for Blaine’s hand and leads him to his bed to enjoy him, to love him, to make his eyes go soft and unshadowed, at least for a little while. He knows how to do that. He knows they both need it.

Life right now isn’t what either of them expected, it seems, but at least they can make some parts of it perfect.

And then, Kurt thinks with determination as he pushes Blaine back onto the mattress and gets a breathy, happy laugh in response, they’ll make some plans to tackle the rest.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I am spoiler-free!


End file.
